Book Review: I Kissed Dating Goodbye – Part Four

This is the concluding section in our four-part review series of Joshua Harris’ book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Parts 1 – 3 have been out previously – Part 1, Part 2, Part 3.

Have a good read!

CHAPTER 12 – REDEEMING THE TIME

Being of “marriageable age” and single can be a precarious condition. This is because as singles, even if marriage is not on your mind, it would definitely be on the minds of those around you. At this stage, you might be asking yourself several questions such as: does the fact that I could get married mean I should make it a priority to find someone? Do I assume I’ll get married soon or act as if I never will? What am I supposed to do now?

While we wait, we should focus on “redeeming the time” i.e., making the most of each moment while still single in order to prepare ourselves for the season of marriage. We should hustle, drop bad habits, develop good habits and build our character. Rebekah in the Bible redeemed the time and was able to meet God’s divine appointment for her life because she was faithfully carrying out her current obligations.

We cannot ignore our current responsibilities while single and expect to magically gain the strength of character and virtue that will make us good husbands and wives. Marriage will not transform us into new people; it will only act as a mirror, showing what we already are. There are a few areas we can prepare for while still single:

1. Practice intimacy: We should do this in other committed/non-romantic relationships starting with our families. God has given us families to learn the art of sharing love.
2. Practice seeking God with others: Each of us must develop a dynamic growing personal relationship with God. However, we should also seek God with the important people in our lives, starting with our families then reach out to pray and study the Bible with non-romantic friends from church. Learn to pray with someone else and to also share with others the lessons God teaches you.
3. Practice financial responsibility: We need to learn how to budget, save and tithe consistently. We need to make sure we do not develop patterns with money that will jeopardize a marriage or even waste God’s resources.
4. Practice parenthood: The act of becoming good parents starts while we are single. We should take notes from godly couples and practice those qualities of parenthood we want to model for our future children.
5. Practice practical life skills: Practical life skill such as maintaining a house, shopping, planning menus and cooking meals are an important part of managing a household. We should work on strengthening these skills as a good preparation for marriage.

Conclusively, while we seek to acquire skills and attitudes needed in marriage, we should realise that marriage is not the finish line. Ultimately, we are preparing and developing our characters so that we can become flexible and useful for God in His plans for our life.

CHAPTER 13 – READY FOR THE SACK BUT NOT THE SACRIFICE

This chapter discusses the attitude of singles towards marriage. Lots of young adults have a limited, immature and unrealistic view of marriage. While some see sex as the chief purpose and end of marriage, others only look forward to the wedding day forgetting that a marriage is more important than a wedding ceremony.

God has a purpose for marriage and demands that we observe and operate from His perspective. In God’s perspective, marriage is the first institution. It depicts the supernatural union between Jesus and the church. Marriage is the event God has selected to consummate all of time and finally, marriage is to be held in honour.

For every opportunity we have, we should endeavour to define the sanctity of marriage among our friends who are fostering wrong perspectives. We should also understand that marriage is a refining process and this means that we should learn to handle conflicts with our partners maturely and with the love of God.

Marriage is not about what we can get, but rather about what we can give. Good marriages require work, patience, self-discipline, sacrifice and submission. It is only when we cultivate these qualities that we can carry our responsibilities and experience true joy and fulfillment in marriage.

CHAPTER 14 – WHAT MATTERS AT FIFTY?

In this chapter, the author addresses the issue of character with respect to marriage. There are several character traits, qualities and attitudes that we should look out for in a potential life partner. In doing this, we should look beyond outward performance, dressing and physical appearance (looks). Character is what a person is in the dark when no one but God is watching. To evaluate an individual’s character, we should consider the following:

1. How a person relates with God: A person’s relationship with God is the defining relationship in his or her life. When this relationship is out of order, every other relationship will suffer.
2. How a person relates to others: We should watch how our potential partners relate with those in authority, their parents, the opposite sex and companions. The attitude of such individual towards these people speaks volumes about their true personalities.
3. Personal discipline: Our involuntary actions which we do without thinking reveal a lot about us. By studying how a person uses time, how they handle money and how they take care of their body, we can get a glimpse into their character.

Aside character, attitude is an important criterion in choosing a spouse. This is a person’s vantage point, the way he or she reacts and looks at life. Good attitudes are expressed in our willing obedience to God, our industriousness and in a lifestyle of contentment and hopefulness. However, we should note that there is no perfect spouse; marriage requires faith in God’s provision of a suitable spouse and the willingness to forgive imperfections. We should also realise that we cannot completely know the person we decide to marry, but we can trust God to guide us in our decisions, and to help us follow through with our commitments.

In conclusion, we should not only concentrate on finding the right person but more importantly focus on becoming the right person ourselves.

CHAPTER 15 – PRINCIPLED ROMANCE

In this chapter, the author outlines a new pattern to guide us in relationships from the friendship to the marriage stage. God brings men and women together in various ways. There is no one formula, He is creative about it. In light of this, the author presents some helpful principles that can guide us through this stage:

1. Remember your relational responsibilities: Every time we feel attracted to someone, we should keep in mind that we are involved in three kinds of relationship – our relationship with the person we are interested in, our relationship with the people around us including family and friends, and most important, our relationship with God. Our actions in relationships affect all these people and so we should learn to proceed cautiously. Before we embark on a relationship, we need to sober ourselves up by reviewing our relational responsibilities.
2. Seek a deeper friendship first: We often make the mistake of rushing into romance even before a friendship blooms. The impatience not only costs us the beauty of friendship as singles, it can also place our future marriages on shaking ground. We should focus on developing a closer friendship with a potential partner before introducing romance. For example, you can find activities that pull you both into each other’s world of family, friends and work, as well as areas of service and ministry. While at this, we should exercise patience and self-control by not expressing our feelings prematurely.
3. Watch, wait and pray:  It is always wise to take the extra time to get to know the other person better as a friend and to seek God’s guidance. This is a period to ask very serious and tough questions to determine your willingness to go further with the person, based on the character and attitudes you have observed. While waiting, you can decide to go further once you have confirmed the following: your decision is in agreement with God’s word; you are ready for marriage; you have the approval and support of parents, guardians, mentors and godly Christian friends; and you have peace of mind and are sure it is the right decision.
4. Define the relationship purpose – pursuing marriage: It is important to clearly define the purpose and direction of the relationship. We should go beyond playing the game of boyfriend and girlfriend and clearly express to each other our desires for a deeper commitment.
5. Honour her parents:  A young man ought to show respect to the person responsible for the girl by duly informing and seeking their permission to grow closer to their daughter. A girl’s parents may have specific concerns about the relationship or the timing of the relationship and the young man should be ready to entertain their questions and address their concerns.
6. Test and build the relationship in real life settings: This is the time to test the wisdom of your potential marriage. It is a transitional stage between deepening friendship and engagement – a period of “principled romance.” Here, we are purposeful in our pursuit of marriage, wary of sexual temptations and accountable to parents and other Christians. The following guidelines are helpful: try to build each other first; talk about various subjects; discuss feelings, concerns, visions, hopes, and dreams; attempt to understand your differences; pray for each other and serve each other; and spend time together doing purposeful activity. During this stage, if problems and concerns arise regarding the union, you can halt the relationship progress or even consider calling it off.
7. Reserve passion for marriage: Throughout your relationship, set clear guidelines for physical affection. In other words, “keep your hands off and your clothes on.”

The progression from casual friendship to a deeper engagement can move us toward a safer, wiser approach to marriage. Lastly, we should ensure that all our decisions are guided by the Holy Spirit.

CHAPTER 16 – SOMEDAY I’LL HAVE A STORY TO TELL

The way we live our lives now and our experiences in relationships and marriage are all coming together to form a critical part of our life’s history which we will look back on one day. The journey might seem messy and confusing right now especially with our doubts and questioning prayers. Still, it is important for us to honour God in our present decisions so that in future we can look back with tears of joy and be happy with God’s faithfulness. Let our story be one of purity, faith and selfless love; not one of impatience, selfishness, and compromise. The ball is in our court.

Download the complete Part Four Review: I Kissed Dating Goodbye – Part 4

In the next review, we will be focusing on Elizabeth Alves’ book,  Becoming A Prayer Warrior.

Don’t miss it!

Book Review Team – Writers’ Club

MFM Int’l Headquarters Youth Church

Lagos, Nigeria.